Tuesday, 28 December 2010

Random piece - Witch Way Round? - part 3

By midday we'd been round the entire house, inside and out, checking every spell that Dan had helped me set up the evening before. A lot of them I'd had to explain to Lee, he wanted to know how we'd cast them, and why, and what their placement meant.
Thankfully I'm just as curious about things, so I already had the answers for most of his questions.

"Why the ankh on the left?" he asked as we ran hands lightly over the final window.
I frowned at him.

"What do you mean?" I was still concentrating on the deeper parts of the spell. Like picking apart a spiders web without breaking it, you had to be gentle. It took a lot of concentrating.
Since I'd cast these, it was easy for me to break them.

"The marks you've made." He held his hand over them to make them glow visible. Part of the spells had inadvertently given him partial control of them - I worked it out myself after a couple the spells. They reacted to him almost as much as they did to me. "They always have the Ansuz on the right and the Ankh on the left. Why?"

Pulling out of the spell I looked down where the symbols glowed and thought. I wanted to say it was just habit, but there was something behind it. I just couldn't work out what it was. Even Lee had felt there was something behind it. What was it?
My hands hovered over the symbols slowly, remembering casting them.
"It just... feels right this way." I said, raising a shoulder slowly "I mean... look - you go from right to left, like writing arabic, when you cast this one... so you start with Ansuz... because it's like the root of the whole thing..." I didn't know if I was making any sense, but I carried on anyway "And then as you move on, you need to define it... and I find it easy to finish the definition with the Ankh, because it's just... " I looked up to see if he understood.
Tough luck if he didn't though, because I couldn't finish the explanation or repeat it. It was just what made sense to my hands. Simple.

He was slowly passing a hand over the window right to left, frowning. He tilted his head, as if getting a different angle on it.
"Why don't you cast left to right?" he asked. Well, he'd understood some of it at least.

I smiled slightly. It had been my own idea. My spells mirrored themselves in a weird way, and looked like you could start them from either side.

"Some spells... you cast them from the centre outwards, or from the outwards in... but if you know the origin point you can unravel it." I explained, making the sigils glow in patterns to aid my explanation. He nodded, frowning still. His 'thinking' face.
"A basic defence spell you cast downwards." I gestured with my hand and the wall glimmered down the glyphs for me "So if you start at the bottom, you carefully unravel it." My hand passed back up the wall, making the glyphs fade "But if you start at the origin you can sort of obliterate it. Instant wipe out. But you have to be prepared for it if you do that. A quick sort of 'containment' spell."
He nodded again, to show I wasn't talking complete gibberish.
"Thing is, to start either process you pick a glyph and destroy it. You kinda... pinch it out of existence. If you do it here there and everywhere you could detonate the spell - like when you start at the origin - or you could edit the spell. It's difficult to edit one... but apparently it's possible. That's why you have to check them. Not just because they might be broken, but because they might have been re-programmed. Best to check before you leave, you know... just so they don't fry you instead of the badguys."

He nodded again, and I saw him make a mental note to definitely check them before he left every morning. Nothing quite woke you up like being electrocuted by an overzealous protection spell.

"But, if you're taking out a spell quick, and by force, like I say, you go for the origin. If you look closely and feel it you can usually work out which one it is. But for something like this most people would just naturally cast left to right. Your first and last one feel similar anyway - I don't know if you'd noticed they all feel slightly different...?"
He shook his head. Hadn't been looking that closely - that's good to know. I hated it when he was a little too observant. It made me feel inferior and silly.
"Well, have a little feel of them again... you'll probably be able to tell now that you know anyway - it thinks you cast it anyway in some ways..."
His hands moved over the marks once more, slower this time, probing.
"Gently though! Don't break the spell."

He nodded, still concentrating. Lee was a natural student. Quiet when he needed to be, questioning when he needed more. Resourceful too. I could tell from his face that he couldn't tell the difference. So he put one hand over Ansuz and one over the Ankh. Like weighing two things without scales. His left hand moved to the rune next to the Ankh and his eyes lit up. He'd felt the subtle difference.

"But you see how similar the end and beginning are?"
He nodded again, though I knew he had felt it "Well, because we're westerners, people always assume left to right. It's a pretty simple and effective rule of thumb to be fair. So if someones trying to sneak in, they're going to take the slow unwind method and not encase the spell first."

"So when they take out the Ansuz...?" his eyes were dancing
It was my turn to nod.

"Boom."

His face lit up as I said it. Most guys, that sort of excitement would be purely for the thought of blowing up an enemy by tricking them into it. For Lee it was for getting it right, proving he'd understood and had worked it out.
Then clouded slightly.

"But what if they go for the 'big boom' approach?"

I smiled again "Then they'll probably be in too much of a rush to pay enough attention. When you seal it in, the magical explosion is so contained no one notices it. Well - you might notice a little ripple - especially if it were a big enough spell. But you wouldn't check to make sure it was gone. You wouldn't need to. If you were going for the risky approach you'd be in too much of a rush to check anyway."

His eyes lit up, finally understanding the Ankh. It was the only symbol that wasn't a rune or sigil implicit in the spell.
"So they take out the Ankh, think the spell is dissolved, or at least unraveling, but in fact they've just kind of... opened it up?"
Still that little upwards note to the end of his sentence. He was bang on, but still unsure.

"Right." I smiled. Teaching Lee was like putting a drop of ink on paper and watching it spiral off into an intricate picture all on it's own. Easy, simple - beautiful.

"That's really clever." He said, finally retracting his hands from the window and stretching. Nearly two hours we'd been at it. My back ached, but I didn't want to stretch it in case I winced too much and he saw.
I still hadn't shown him the bruises, or the burn. I didn't want Dr. Pain going over it all with that semi-professional air he'd had since he was 13 (when he decided to become a doctor) not until I'd had some lunch at least. The prodding would hold off until then - of that I was determined.

"Tell you what, let's go down and have the last of that bacon."
Ah, bacon - the magic word. All magic was forgotten for a moment.
Three things did that to Lee. Bacon, Tea, and 'Roast Dinner'. If you ever need to change a subject with him offer him one of those three things. It works better than any spell.


Downstairs, the kettle on and bacon sizzling in the grill, he started with the questions again. This time about people.

"So, you said... Dan?... helped you cast the protection spells - right?"
I slid round him and got the milk out of the fridge. He was getting bread and plates out.
Our small kitchen only really allowed for one person to work in it at a time - but we'd never struggled. Some things just come from knowing each other too long. We never got in each others way, and always managed to get a job done together without having to ask who should do what. No wonder people thought we shared a brain.

"Yeah, Daniel Cavendish." I supplied the full name for him, dancing back around him to pour the milk into the cups still stewing with tea.

"Why did you need the help?" I slid the carton of milk back into the fridge door as he stacked bread on each of the plates. He turned round while I moved round him to stir the tea. I always imagined couples working around each other like this, but with their arms constantly going round each other. How on earth they got everything done and didn't end up batting each other off I had no idea.
I disposed of our teabags and handed his milk-cooled tea to him.

Once I had my own tea sipped and my aching back lent against the counter opposite him I answered. I'd needed a moment to work out how to word my reply.
"Well, I've never done them before. It was kind of to make sure I was doing it right - and for him to give me advice as we went. But also, we'd had a bit of a hard day. We were power-sapped. We kinda needed to lend it to each other. A whole house is a lot to cast on. You've seen how many spells we had to lay down."

He nodded, blowing on his tea as if it were still hot.

"Not to mention we were cloaking ourselves the whole time." I added with a shrug. I'd almost forgotten that. The concentration had almost killed me at the time. Pure adrenaline had made it possible.

His eyebrow raised at that. The bacon started to really fizzle, and he bent to take it out of the grill before it was 'cooked'. I'd always liked my bacon underdone, so he was kind enough to take mine out earlier than his own. Just pink was perfect for me. None of this 'brown' rubbish.
He must have been distracted or hungry, because he took his own out at the same time.
"You can cloak yourself?" He asked, burning his fingers slightly as he put the bacon on the bread.

I couldn't help myself. The mug touched the counter silently as I put it down.
Gathering my power to myself I thought of every way to make a persons gaze slide off me. It was more of a "look over there" spell than a "don't look at me" spell. It's easy when you have something for them to look at. I slipped off the counter quietly and moved to the fridge. It was right at his elbow, but the spell got him to look over his other shoulder at my mug.
His jaw had dropped.
Well, when you're expecting someone to be sat there and they aren't... okay, your instant reaction is to think they moved. The last thing you consider is that they've turned invisible.. unless you've just been talking about being invisible. Then it's the first thing you think.
I let the spell pull him forward to inspect the counter top.
He slowly put his hands out to try and touch me. But I wasn't there. His hands landed on the counter top.
Shocked, he turned away from me. Good cloaking spell.
I moved to the sandwiches and he looked past the fridge.

"Lilly??" his voice was somewhere between fear and awe.
I started to eat a sandwich, then tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned and looked at me, then looked away.
He tried to do a double take, but struggled.

"Why is it so hard to look at you?" he asked. I knew that feeling. Like looking at something too bright - it hurts your head and makes you want to not look.

"The trick is to look out of the side of your eye." I explained "Use your periphery vision. The spell works on your direct gaze."

He turned his head and tried looking at me from the corner of his eyes. Silly boy. He'd moved his eyes to be as close to me as possible. It would still hurt.
I laughed.

"No, look at the fridge door. Focus on it."
He did and raised his eyebrows in surprise as the pain faded.

"This is something no one else has noticed yet though." I said, putting down my half eaten sandwich and pushing it behind me and to the side. "Focus on my bacon butty."

He did and winced slightly - but didn't look away.
"It still hurts...?" he frowned

"Ignore me. You're looking at the bacon. Look at the bite mark. Focus on it."

After a second his vision cleared, his forehead going smooth.
"I can see you and it doesn't hurt!"
He was so thrilled he looked up at my face grinning, then swore and looked away with a headache.

I tried not go laugh - I really did. But it was a rookie mistake. I dropped the spell and bit my lip to stop the laughter.

"Here," I giggled, offering him his sandwiches "food helps."

He took it grumpily and moved into the living room, still rubbing his forehead.

I giggled again and picked up both our cups as well as my own plate of bacon butties. Waitress training is useful all your life. Even if it's only to stop you spilling liquids and foods all over the carpet when you keep wanting to laugh.

"Sorry." I said, sitting down cross-legged next to our little coffee table. He was sat in one of the armchairs, one sandwich already invisible. Being lower down than him always eased tension that I'd caused. Like a deference.

"So who else did you mention?" he asked, changing the subject. He didn't like getting things wrong.

"Bree and Kali." I supplied, "They're two of the girls in the coven who are teaching me a lot of the time." I took a giant bite, needing all the extra energy I could get after the spell. I wasn't supposed to cast unnecessarily - especially lately. I was supposed to conserve my strength... but it was just too tempting to show off with Lee.

"What was it you were saying about Kali? See how she got on last night...?"

He'd make a terrible lawyer with all these leading questions. But this wasn't a court room and I wasn't on trial. You can't feel intimidated by a guy who's devouring a pink and white sandwich with that much gusto. He looked too open and innocent.

"Kali was probably going to spend all night healing Bree." I put my sandwich down, feeling guilty. I still hadn't called to find out if she was ok. To see if she was even alive. Part of me was too scared to.

"What happened?" His voice was gentle now.
Normally just that would have brought tears to my eyes. But they stayed dry. Maybe I was getting harder hearted - stronger. Had to think of it as stronger, or I'd end up in tears at night for my lost innocence... which was such a pitiful thing to cry over.

"Bree had taken me to a small circle out in the woods. They're like.... 5 miles out?" I shrugged, knowing it wasn't important how far away the stupid woods were "She wanted to get me to hold a circle with her outdoors. She said it was the best place for it."

Lee was leaning forwards now, intent on my story. Bacon all finished.
Maybe he's just after my bacon... a little voice said in my head, making me nearly smile.
"Everything was going fine... but then we felt this... it was like a pressure - pushing in on us from all around." I shook my head with the memory "Some one was trying to break the circle."
I'd felt it a few times before. Each time the coven had all been present and we'd either fortified the circle or broken it and fought what ever was there. I say we - I'd been shepherded into the center of them and been protected. That's how Lani had died - she was right at the edge of the circle when they broke it one time. The first line of defence. Bree and Kali had worked on her for hours, trying to resuscitate her... but we'd all known... she wouldn't be waking up from those wounds.
"We didn't have time to fortify the circle, and before we could prepare and disband it ourselves, it broke. The power just snapped... and this thing... they told me it was a shape shifter... it was on us."

I suddenly realised that Lee was sat next to me, one hand on my shoulder. He thought I was still in shock.

"Bree shoved this almighty psi-ball into its chest and it flew backwards into the trees!" I said, the awe still present in my voice echoing my memory. I'd never seen Bree fight. She was on the 'last stand' line. A healer mostly - I thought. But that ball of power had been bigger than any other I'd ever seen!  One to be truly proud of.
"It was amazing! But there was another one heading towards us - full pelt. I hit it with my own psi ball and it kinda yelped and stopped. No where near as impressive..." I managed to smile at Lee and he smiled back, his hand slowly massaging my back as I talked.

"We thought it was just the two lycans, but then Magdalene stepped out of the trees in all her blazing glory." I shuddered. "Magdalene is circle Half-light's high priestess. She is... scary... to say the least. She almost shimmers with magic..." I shook my head trying not to think about it. Lee just nodded.
"She threw this... fire .. thing... at us. Bree took the brunt of it - it hurt like hell. I think it was pure energy. Our defence spells just weren't strong enough to keep it out. We'd thrown them up as we saw her... I need to learn some better ones. So does Bree, come to think of it."
Suddenly I realised that the last stand line must be comprised of healers and fighters. They weren't there for defence. That's what the first and second defence were for. If they got through those defences, offence was the only thing left. Go down in a blaze of glory. I shivered at the thought, and Lee's hand applied a little more pressure to my spine.

"Anyway, we obviously weren't what she'd been expecting, because when Bree lobbed one of her uber psi-balls back at her, she just kinda disappeared. I'm pretty sure it's quick movement and a cloaking spell that does it... not that it matters.... but either way, the wolf thing that I'd hit had recovered by then and it kinda dove at us. It knocked me onto some rocks and Bree had to drag it off me... Bastard thing bit her though - it got her on the shoulder and damn near ripped it off!"
I'd closed my eyes, remembering it. Laying on the floor, panting from fear and exhaustion after trying to hold the damn thing away from my own throat, I'd watched as it jaw clamped over her. I'd heard her scream out in pain, and felt this shift somewhere deep inside. The pain from my back and chest had disappeared. My arm had stopped throbbing from the burn, and I was just flying at the beast.
"We managed to fry it and I dragged it off her. Then I had to stop the bleeding... Thank the Goddess that Kali had taught me some first-aid magic! I don't know what would have happened otherwise."

Kneeling in that clearing with Bree's heart fluttering unsteadily under my desperate hands, I'd pulled on every ounce of strength the earth could lend me and poured it into the basic healing spell. Her heart seemed to take forever to start beating somewhat steadily again. It was still irregular and too fast, but it was the best I could do. The bleeding had stopped - I needed to get her to a real healer.
"She must have got a message out, because Kali pulled up to the car as I got out of the tree line we had parked near. Bree's quite small, so it wasn't too hard to carry her. Kali started on the healing straight away, and I managed to drive us back to hers. Things were still a bit touch and go when Dan picked me up at theirs to bring me home. He'd been attacked at home, so we decided to up security at Kali's and mine..."
I looked up into Lee's eyes "I really need to call and see how she is."

He took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah, good idea. Let me have a look at that burn while you do."
I winced. He was already peeling back my sleeve and taking off the gauze. Dan and I weren't healers. It had been a slap dash fix up.

"Be gentle..." I begged as I fished for my mobile in a pocket. Kali smiled up at me from my screen as it dialed.


At first I thought it was going to ring straight through to answer machine, but she picked up. Bree was okay. Kali was whacked. Our priestess Tanya had shown up with Marcus, our High Priest, around half hour after I'd left with Dan and helped work on her. They'd had to carefully draw out all of the shifter's venom. One of the benefits if her heart had stopped beating would have been that the poison would have been easier to extract.
I didn't know Shifters had venom. Live and learn.

By the time I'd hung up, my top was in a heap on the floor and Lee was applying creams to my bruised back and ribs. It hurt to be touched, but he was good at this. He was a natural healer - trained or not. My arm had a clean dressing on it, and whatever he'd done had made it less painful. For that I was grateful.

I'm not keen on being looked after. It makes me feel like a baby, or a doll... or a girl. I hate being made to feel inferior by needing to be looked after. At least with a friend like Lee, who was used to patching up my scrapes from younger, tomboy times,  it didn't feel like being patronised. It felt like I was interesting - my bruises were odd, my burn unlike anything he'd seen, it was all very interesting to him.
If he were ugly and like this all the time no one would ever like him.
Thankfully he was normally a little too empathic - not cold and clinical like this. In fact, his good humour, good looks and good energy always ensured he had lots of friends. Lucky sod.

I relayed the information of Bree's imminent recovery to Lee, and was obliged to extend Kali's invitation to him. She'd been dying to meet my 'absent' flat mate for ages. Technically, she was in a relationship with Bree... but Kali isn't a one woman kind of girl. I don't know how Bree puts up with it, but she does.
I'd been putting off introducing Lee to my coven friends for two reasons. Firstly because the boy couldn't hide his powers if he tried, and secondly I think I might hit Kali if she flirted too heavily with him.
Not that I'm the jealous type. Lee isn't my boyfriend - god, that'd be wrong on so many levels; like dating your brother - but at the same time, the thought of Kali flirting with him made me see red... just a little bit. I reckon it's because I think it would hurt Bree's feelings... and I love Bree to bits. She's like a big sister to me.

Still, when I'd gasped on the phone from the gauze coming off and Lee had said "Sorry! Sorry..." the jig was up.

"Is that the infamous Leigh-John Pain?" had been the instant response from Kali... no point lying, so she'd found out he was off work - seeing to my injuries.

"How did you explain the injuries?" she asked. The girl may have had 3 hours sleep and been healing her partner all night, but she was still the sharpest Athame on the rack.

"The truth." I admitted.
A low whistle had told me just what she'd thought of that. Brave. Stupid. Insane.

"How'd he take it?"

"Better than I would have..." a slight lie there. We were too similar if I was honest - Lee and I had almost identical reactions internally, I just let mine out a little more hap-hazardly than he did.

"You mean he's okay with it?" She sounded so excited I wanted to cringe, but knew that Lee would think he'd hurt me - and this time he hadn't. I couldn't feel the bits of skin he was picking out of my arm. Was that a good sign or a bad one?

"Well, sort of... yeah..." I didn't want her getting too excited.

"Awesome! So you can bring him over when you come round later?"

Sometimes I should just keep my big fat mouth firmly closed.
"I'll ask him when he's finished concentrating."

That boy is deaf when he's concentrating. It's the god's honest truth. It's as if he sets up everything for record. You can't get a response till he's finished - but then he can remember everything you've said. He's answered seven questions in the correct order before after concentrating on his work. He hadn't written them down - I checked. Freaky brainy witch.

"Is that what you promised to ask me then?" He asked after I invited him.
I nodded glumly.
"You don't want me to go, do you?"

"Look where this stuff has gotten me..."
He raised an eyebrow.
"You think I want you part of this?" I added.

"You always used to say we'd do everything together." He said, easing back from me to sit on his heals. He was finally finished with my ribs.

"We were kids... you know we can't do everything together..." I tried to edge out of the conversation. The stuff we couldn't do together wasn't the stuff we were talking about, then or now. In fact, this was exactly the kind of thing I'd been talking about all those years ago. We weren't going to face anything alone. That had been the plan. When had that changed?

When I grew up and stopped wanting to drag my best friend into harms way.

"If you don't want me at your side... let me know..."

I sighed, defeated. He knew I'd cave at that. There might be more words, more 'you-aren't-coming's... but he knew, as well as I did, that when 3 o'clock rolled round he'd be at my side on the way to Kali and Bree's house.
Damn.

Three things were for sure:

  1. He knew me too damn well
  2. There was no way I could protect him anymore
  3. I'd never been so relieved and pleased to be foiled than I was right now.
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Random piece - Witch Way Round? - part 2

I awoke to the sound of an alarm being snoozed. The whack of Li's hand on my annoying cow clock had been louder than the moo-ing coming from it.

10am.

I'm not a morning person. I'd much rather stay up all night and sleep all day. Still, 10 isn't too early, so I can normally still crawl out of bed. Unlike the 6 o'clock beeper that Lee calls an alarm. 6am should only be seen if you haven't gone to sleep yet. A motto I live my life by. So why was it him rolling over and groaning? Had he slept at all last night?

I didn't remember anything after the void swallowed me whole. I'd been expecting him to go back to his own bed, but he hadn't. He'd stayed with me. I wonder why?
It was comforting either way. To wake up next to a warm body and a slow heart beat, an arm slung over you... it's just bliss sometimes.
I owed him.

After taking a few minutes to enjoy being cuddled by a sleeping giant, I slipped out of the covers silently. Still fully dressed - hmm, deja vous... I smiled to myself and padded over to the door. A glance back before I eased into the hallway told me I hadn't lost my touch of sneaking out of bed.
Possessive boyfriends will teach you all kinds of fun tricks. I could get fully dressed, in the dark, and leave a house without waking a soul. Part of me is sure that talent will come in handy some day!

Downstairs was still vaguely tidy. We weren't very messy people in all honesty, so it didn't take much to clean up after us... unless we held a party. Our parties were infamous... and messy. The jelly wrestling had been my idea, granted... but I hadn't expected it to end up everywhere! That was months ago now though. It had taken us nearly that long to get it out of the carpets. I smiled at the memory.
The kettle on and some toast in I tried to piece together what had been said last night. How much could I back track on? How much should I cover back up?
I stretched to take my mind off it.
Stretching hurt.
Oh yeah... bruises... fun... I'd forgotten about the bruises on my torso from being pounced on. The burn and the blood had taken up most of my concentration. I'd forgotten that the bruises would start coming out from the rest of our work out.

The toast popped and I spread it with butter and jam. That and a cup of tea ought to revive senior sleepy while I got changed.
He was still sprawled across the bed when I entered the room. I paused and smiled. He looked like those little kids you see on TV that fall asleep in weird positions. I half wished I didn't have to wake him - but he probably had a shift to get to.
I'd tried to get him to skip work once. He just looked at me like I was insane. He took helping people very seriously.

I plonked the toast down on my bedside table and sat cross-legged on the bit of bed not taken up by a spare limb. The mug of cooled tea rested on my knee with a hand to steady it, I pushed his hair out of his eyes.

"Wakey wakey sleepy head." I said gently.
His face scrunched up for a moment, but relaxed again after a beat and his eyes opened groggily.
"Tea?" I asked, briefly raising the mug off my knee.

He made a noise somewhere between a groan and a grunt, and rolled onto his back, a forearm protecting his eyes from the dull light seeping through my curtains. His eyes were closed again, but I'd woken him up before. (Shocking as that sounds, I do - on occasion - wake up before him. Normally when we end up passed out on a bed together fully clothed, funny that.) I knew that he was waking himself up and didn't need any more prodding. In fact, more prodding would probably send him to sleep.

I needed to go and check all of our defensive spells really. Dan had said to check them every morning and every night. I'd really rather have gotten back into bed with Lee though. It wasn't often we snuggled up and fell asleep like that anymore. The temptation to put the tea on the bedside table too and just lay on his chest was broken only when he sighed heavily and sat up.
Well, there goes my morning in bed.
 His face was screwed up again, as if he couldn't decide whether he could see or not. Thinking about it, he probably couldn't see very well without his glasses.

A slight shake of the head and he reached for the tea
"Thanks." he smiled.
His hair stuck up in all directions, making me grin. He eyed me, knowing that me smiling in the morning probably meant trouble for him. I managed to tone it down to ease his suspicions as he sipped at the tea.
He closed his eyes and smiled as it went down. I make a good cup of tea. It's the only thing that makes me seem british at times.
I handed the toast over and he turned the full power of his smile on me. It always makes me smile and go shy.

While he munched away I slid off the bed and went to get changed. Nothing like sleeping in clothes to make you want to get changed. I'd get a shower after I'd checked all the spells.
"You got work today?" I asked as I shoved my trainers on.

He finished off his tea and shook his head

We traded looks, nodding and rolling our eyes in unison.
This was why Lee was always in work. No matter when he got time off, he always got a phone call asking him to cover a shift. Hell, there were plenty of times he did 22 hour shifts because he got pulled onto a night shift after a day one.
I refrained from telling him again that he worked too hard.

"What are your plans for the day?" he asked me. We had this conversation pretty much every morning. I had replied "not much" for the past few months. Today I glanced at his face. There was something there that said 'please tell me... unless you really don't trust me enough...' I looked back at my feet as I re-tied laces that I would normally leave the hell alone.

"Well..." I glanced at him quickly again "..not much..." he didn't move, hoping there was more. Damn it all - I was sick of this game.
"I mean, gotta check on the spells me and Dan set up last night... then call and see how Kali got on last night with Bree. Probably end up down theirs again going through some basic training and stuff. Hopefully no attacks today..."

It had just slipped out. All of it had. Lee didn't even know the people I was talking about. God I had a lot of explaining to do.
He ran a hand across his forehead. I had to admit it sounded like something out of a bad novel. He knew me though, and if he hadn't run last night, he would believe me now. That look of disgust hadn't arrived yet either. Maybe it wouldn't after his suspicions of human sacrifices. Nothing I could say was that bad yet.
I sat up on the edge of the bed, wincing as the bruises moved and settled again. Maybe some more stretching would help. Later.
I didn't look at him, as if he needed privacy to deal with the information I'd just given him.

"You're serious, aren't you?" He asked, sounding defeated.

I nodded. His breath came out in a long 'whooosh' behind me, like a 'phew' only not relieved. He was either going to leave, find somewhere safer to live, or lock me up in the psyche ward. I just knew it. My head bowed forwards, guilt and disappointment in my own inability to keep my mouth shut filled me.

"Mind if I..." he hesitated, then started again. "Can I come with you today? I mean... could you show me the spells and stuff?"
There was something like excitement and wariness in his voice. Magic had always been something we shared.
I turned to him and smiled. The one thing that had been missing in all these adventures, all this magic, had been Lee. I still didn't want him getting mixed up in the Ley Line wars, but I'd been dying to share this with him. Just showing him the things we'd set up in the house wouldn't put him in any danger...

"Okay."

His smile bloomed again, and I felt mine grow to match his.
This was such a bad idea...

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Random piece - Witch Way Round? - part 1

I bunch my hands into fists to try and stop myself shaking. Only Lee seems to be able to hit my 'rage' switch so easily lately.
God knows how this argument started, but he's only been home for ten minutes. He's still in his hospital uniform, his black hair tousled slightly where he's run his hands through it. He looks exhausted. Not that I care. He thinks I've been sat on my arse all day while he's off saving the world one patient at a time.

Maybe that's why we fight all the time lately. Because of the secrets.
Not that I could tell him even if I wanted to - hell I did want to. We were best friends, not just flatmates, we shared everything - always had. But if I tell him what I've been doing day and night he'd probably disown me. I couldn't take the thought of that look of disgust, so I put up with the friction. The constant undertones of being called a lay about. The complaints about not answering the phone, about crying all the time, about keeping him awake in the middle of the night...

But how do you tell your best friend that you joined a coven accidentally and have been dragged into dealing with demons, and a rival coven who literally wanted to kill us all?
I mean, he's a witch too - but I'm not dragging him into the middle of this stupid war over ley lines! He had a life, he did important things in the real world, he was training to be a doctor. He used his extra sensory powers to help him diagnose and heal people (whether he admitted it to others or not. Lets face it, no one wants magic when they're paying for medicine)

"For God sake Lilly! You're gonna kill yourself with this stupid shut-in attitude!"

"Don't you ever say that!" I yell at him, suddenly on my feet. After my brother killed himself I've always been touchy about suicide and death. "Don't you dare talk about death! You don't know anything about it!"

Okay, so I was a little more touchy about it recently. But when you're being hunted down by a gang of unruly witches, attacked by demons, and loosing members of a coven you have been drafted into like a family member - when they're dying in your arms because you're new and un-initiated and can't do a blasted thing to help; when they die trying to protect you... yeah, I had reason to be touchy.

"Fuck! I don't know about death??" He's shaking now, shouting "I haven't lost family, sure - but shit! How do you think it feels to have people die in your arms - literally! And not being able to help them? How useless, how guilty, how bad you feel. Not relatives; but real people, with families, and partners, and little kids - " his voice breaks and I realise he must have lost a patient today. He's not crying, but I recognise that feeling.
He's still mad at me, but my anger has melted away now. I'm half kicking myself for not noticing earlier, and just want to comfort him.

I take a breath and move towards him slowly.
"I know you deal with that stuff. I admire you for it - you know I do." The sincerity in my voice doesn't calm the look he's giving me. I take a deep breath, and find that my anger isn't all gone. Half of me wants to comfort him, but the other part is dying to scream 'You chose this! I didn't!'... not that he'd understand even if I did.
The breath comes out in a sigh and I turn from him slightly.
"Forget it." I sigh. Let him hold onto his anger to fight that hole in his chest. Goddess knows it's how I've been dealing with it myself.

He makes a guttural frustrated noise behind me and grabs my arm. If I had enough rage left in me I'd have turned and planted my fist square in his jaw. As it was I stopped and hung my head limply. I'd given up the fight when I turned, and there was nothing left in me. I'd been washing blood off in the shower for an hour before he came back - that was after Dan and I set more defences around the house. I was whacked. Let me tell you, keeping up a 'see-me-not' spell so no-one notices you, while casting a circle around a house that you can't walk all the way around, is not easy. Still, there hadn't been time to wash the shifters blood off before hand. Not if we wanted to be safe.
Everyone had been upping defences lately, but I was the only one who'd had to start from scratch. Not to mention having to add extra lines to the spells to allow Lee to practice and come and go freely, adding extra layers to cloak him from whoever or whatever was coming while not letting on to the coven that my flatmate was a ridiculous power conduit. They'd jump at the opportunity to drag him in. I was not letting that happen.

"Lilly..." his voice was gruff with emotion. He was so angry, upset, frustrated... the power crackled on his skin. Funny how I could see and feel it now that I was being trained in the arts. Raw power was rare in the coven, and I felt the urge to start a defensive spell. It was becoming second nature when I felt any power buildup. It had saved my life too many times now to call it paranoia. But it was Lee - and the beginnings of the spell was disbanded before he'd noticed what I was doing. Best not to send him flying just for being in contact with me. The first part was all internal anyway, he hadn't noticed anything. I stood and waited, unwilling to turn and face him.
"The last time you said 'forget it' to me you were hiding your boyfriends death threats from me..." shit, he was cottoning on. Not just angry. Smart, powerful witch. "What the hell is going on?" he sounded like a kid again. We were 15 again, stood at the bridge with him kicking a stone asking 'Can we be friends again?'

I sighed at my feet, knowing that I couldn't lie to him. I'd never been able to lie to him. I'm not big on lying anyway... but sometimes it's necessary to mask the truth. Ignorance, I've been told, is bliss. I wouldn't know.

He was still waiting for an answer. "Is it to do with the weird things I found written on the door?"
My head comes up with a jerk. Damn! No one was supposed to be able to see that. I'd forgotten how much of a natural he was. Definitely had to keep him out of this.

I turn slowly and face him. I don't do it fast, because I need time to think. There's lies popping in my head, but I can't tell them. The truth. Short enough to keep him out of it, not so brief as to make him think I'm hiding something.
"Lilith, talk to me. " It's a command, he's good at those. I've never been good at taking them, but there's enough guilt in my own head to back it up this time.

Looking up into his eyes feels like the hardest thing in the world. Look at me - new found Demon slayer, natural born killer, able to stare down the darkest of creatures - unable to meet my best friends eyes. Irony's a bitch.
"I... found a coven." My voice falters, the enthusiasm sounds tiny in the void of his response. He knows there's volumes I'm not saying, and all I can find in his eyes is cold steel - the blue almost slate grey - the concern is only a flicker behind his mask of concentration.

I swallow, the lump almost too big.

"They figured I needed to put some protection on the house..." I trail off pathetically. I haven't explained anything.
He's still staring into my eyes.

"Why is there blood under your fingernails?" he asks sternly.

I feel the heat rush to my face. No way - I'd scrubbed it all away! I look down at my hands reflexively to check. No, I had gotten it all.
"There isn't!" I sound shocked, it doesn't help my case.

"There was though." He smiles. My reaction had been enough to tell him I'd had my hands in blood.

The blush deepens, and I feel myself go beetroot red. I suppose I was a little paranoid... after all, an hour was far too much time to spend washing blood off - even when you had to scrub it out of your hair. I'd checked that every part of me was perfectly clean earlier. I'd known there was no blood under my nails. Getting the blood off was the only way to get me to stop shaking. I'd learnt that now. Once you were alone, covered in a friend (or enemies) blood, the only way to get rid of the shakes was to shower till the tears were gone, along with every drop of pink and red.

"What have you been sacrificing?" his voice is like quite thunder. The anger is there, deep down, ground in. He's not vegetarian, but he doesn't like the idea of killing things. Chickens are used in lots of dark magic rituals, goats for really bad ones... I had the feeling he wasn't talking about either of them though. There's something about human blood that makes your skin tingle - could he feel it on me?
I can't keep the shock out of my face though. Shock and outrage build up in me - how dare he imply I would perform a dark ritual!? Though, it would have been a good cover story... too late for that now. There was too much in my eyes for him to believe that bluff if I gave it. Something was loosening in his own. He finally broke eye contact, though only briefly.

Yeah - you crossed a line. You'd better bloody look away I thought acidly.

"I'm not that kinda girl Lee." I spit the words out at him, and pull my arm harshly out of his still gentle grip. But I can't keep a grip on the anger, it's slipping away.
"So this is what you think of me?" I ask, fighting the tears as I back away from him.

He frowns. Yes, it was what he'd thought. My chest feels ready to colapse in on itself

"I spend all day trying to protect you from this shit and you turn round and accuse me of human fucking sacrifice? Thanks. Thanks a lot" I'm at the stairs now. I'm not sure how being upset gives you the same fuel as anger, but it does. It makes you just as irrational too.
His mouth opens and closes. He's about to deny it. True, he didn't say that, but it's what he meant and we both know it. The 'what' may as well have been a 'who'.

He reaches out to me slightly and I shake my head.
"Lilly... what were you trying to protect me from?" he sounds a little scared. Good.

I stand for a moment at the foot of the stairs, looking at him. There's contempt in me now, now that he understands and has to swallow his words. Even if only a little bit.

"Death." I reply, and run up the stairs, not waiting for his response.

So much for not telling him the truth.
Damn, his day had probably been as long as mine now.

Bree's face flashed in my mind as she plunged her psiball into the shifter, its jaw coming down on her shoulder; my hands still prickle from the feel of fur over hard muscles, jaws snapping at my neck. The burn on my arm from their priestess's spell still aches slightly, and I shake my head. Nope - mine had definitely been longer.
If she lived the night I'd thank Bree for teaching me that emergency healing spell. Kali had said when she got there that it had given her a good chance of healing her properly...

I needed chocolate and a lot of R&R. No one was supposed to cast as much as we had today, especially not untrained, uninitiated little witches like me. I was burned out. The argument with Lee had finished me off.
Upstairs I collapse on my bed, letting tears run into my pillow.

I wanted to be like Kali, I wanted to be strong and brave - but this was too new for me. I wasn't used to fighting, and death, and monsters. I couldn't just shut off my heart. Hell, if I could I'd probably not be able to call on the powers I'd managed today to pull off that spell. You have to really care about people to pull on your reserves like that.
My hand reached over for my alien teddy, pulling him close. He always made me feel better.

"How long has this been going on?" a soft voice at my door asked.
Without turning I could  tell he had a his arm resting on the door jam with his hand on his face. His 'stressed' pose. I heard his hand run over the top of head and rest on his neck.
Good old Lee - always running himself into the ground for others.
I could deal with this on my own. I just needed to cry about it before going to sleep. He'd never understand that. Men don't. If you're crying you can't deal - that's what guys think. It's not true.

I shrugged on my bed, trying to remember when it all started. "Two months?" I guessed.

His breathing was heavy.
I want to yell at him to either go away or come cuddle me. I can't be stared at right now - I need to be held or left alone. But I can't muster the courage to say it. Not to mention I don't want to admit not being able to handle something. Not right now.

"What exactly has been happening?" he asks. His voice is a mask, holding back his emotions. I hated that he could do that. I used to envy it, but now it seemed just cold and wrong. I wanted to know what he was feeling - how was I supposed to do that if he was hiding?
Feeling like he needs to hide... that's all I can tell... fun.

"Too much to explain." I tell my pillow. I'm too tired to explain. My body is dragging me into an exhausted sleep now that I've given it a chance.

He hesitates then pushes away from the door frame.
I hear his feet pad down the hallway, and I feel the hint of disappointment as his bedroom door opens. Must still be pissed at me.

I wake up moments later with his hands gently pulling the quilt out from beneath me. His jogging bottoms and wet hair tell me he's had a shower after getting rid of his uniform.
His hands gently pull the quilt over me and he lays down next to me on his side. His hand propping his head up as he looks down at me.

"Do you hate me?" I ask, my voice sounding so young and vulnerable that I want to kick myself.
His free hand strokes my hair out of my eyes and he smiles sadly, his head shaking as he closes his eyes.

"I couldn't hate you Lilly." he says quietly, still stroking my hair.
The tears haven't stopped yet, but that doesn't seem to matter. I snuggle closer to him and feel his arm encircle me as I begin to fall irrevocably into that abyss people call the land of Nodd.

"I'm sorry..." I manage to whisper. It's the last thought I have before slipping into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

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Friday, 19 November 2010

Lilly's Escape

Chapter One: Home coming

     With what little money I still have after the plane ticket I order a taxi back to the little ground floor flat I'd continued to rent (with the intention of using it as storage until we had enough space for all my 'old junk'). The flight home had felt like it had taken forever, but then I'd had to wait for about four hours at the airport before boarding - so maybe that had something to do with it. Pulling up outside my old flat gives me a mixed feeling of regret and longing. The private street entrance to my own flat seems like the grandest entrance to a palace.

       How did I ever leave you?  I think sadly to the poor residence.

    The taxi driver, so British, doesn't look at his little counter. Hasn't even turned it on.
"Call it thirty quid darlin'."
No need to tip anymore, not back home in dreary Leicester, but I do it anyway out of gratefulness to be home.

        I'd left here in a hurry - straight out of University - and it still screams 'STUDENT' as I walk in. Guitar lent against the threadbare sofa, books (mostly notebooks actually) piled everywhere. The bedroom (neater than it ever had been back when I lived here) spills clothes, gadgets, more notebooks and instruments from practically ever direction. A small heap of 'maybe' clothes still neatly folded on the bed where I'd abandoned them. The noticeboard brimming with old notes, concert tickets, photos... my throat clogging with tears as I catch sight of those happy faces.

       Three years. Three long years away from all the people who had made my life. Three years away from those smiling faces, those loving notes, that carefree existence. How am I supposed to start again now? How do I ask for forgiveness?
      They probably don't even remember you.... a sad part of my mind whispers.
I remember them though. There hadn't been a day go past I didn't think about them. God, how I missed them all!

     But I'd thought I was in love. I'd thought I was doing the right thing...
My lonely bag gets chucked on the bed and I tentatively reach for my best friends picture. We'd talked on and off over the years... but Daniel hadn't liked me talking to him... so I hadn't while he was around. Guilty pleasures, snatched in moments of privacy - How had it come to that?

     My phone's out and dialed before I've even thought about it. 5am... what sort of person would be up at 5am?

                Ring - ring,  Ring - ring,  Ring - ring, Ring - ring...

         Just when I'm about to loose my nerve and hang up there's a sudden silence. No dial tone, no answer machine...

"Hello?" I ask, half afraid of talking to no-one, half dreading a reply.

"Hello?" A groggy voice replies.

"Hey!!" I squeal, suddenly 21 years old again "It's me! I... omigosh! Where to start? Sorry, did I wake you?"

There's a yawn on the the other end, and I can almost see him rolling over in bed "Nope. S'ok, had to get up - phone was ringing." He still sounds exhausted.
I giggle

"What's up?" He asks with another yawn "What time is it?"

"Lee..." I hesitate, then answer the second question instead "It's 5am"

"Your time or mine?" I hear him stretch

"Same diff."

This takes him a moment to understand, then -

"Wait! What?!"

I sit on the bed between my bag and the pile of clothes

"I'm back!" I say, able to hear the smile even in my own voice. Part of me wants to jump up and down... but I seem to have butterflies the size of over sized dinosaurs exploding in my stomach. I've not been this nervous since I first sat on the plane to America.

"But... when?" He's still not fully awake.

"Just got in the flat. Plane landed around 3 ish..." My hand starts idly playing with the uppermost top on the pile, it's little beads practically being pulled off.

"But I thought you were honeymooning somewhere nice?" He puts a rather ugly emphasis on the word that would normally make me cringe.

"Nope!" I reply brightly, then hesitate, unsure of what to say. "Wanna hear about the wedding?"

I hear him flop back in bed - he must have sat up - the unspoken 'At 5am? N...o...' makes me bite my lip. Maybe this was the wrong way to do it...

"Sure." he sighs, sounding defeated.

"Well, it was beautiful. Really really beautiful! Daniel wore this lovely suit with a baby blue tie that matched the ribbon around my bouquet as well as the bridesmaids dresses. His three sisters were the bridesmaids - did I tell you? - And then... oh!" I turn the 'oh' into a sigh of content and let my voice get all dreamy "The music started up, and Jessica spread flower petals in front of me, and everyone stood up and turned to look - except Daniel of course, you know how superstitious he is - and I felt so amazing Lee, I can't tell you! It was like seeing the big picture - the whole universe... it was so amazing..." I sigh again and pause
 "Then I ran like hell." The smile and content is real this time.

The line takes a minute to sink in - either that or he wasn't paying attention... maybe he fell asleep.

"What...?" comes the reply finally. He sounds like a kid who's just been told he can have exactly what he's asked for - unsure, excited and in total awe.

"Yup!" I smile, practically pulling a blue bead off my top "Got in the first taxi I saw and went to his. Got changed, packed some stuff and hopped on the first flight home."

There's a huge pause his end.

"You're really back?" he asks finally.

           Like I'd be joking about this...
"Yes."

"And you're not married to Mr. Asshole?" He's starting to sound more awake now.

"Nope."

Another pause.

"Give me ten minutes." he says.

"Okay." I feel the smile broaden on my lips and manage, at last, to leave the top alone "And, Lee?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry it took so long."


        After hanging up I consider who else to ring with the news...

No one.

     The other friends in my photo's wouldn't want to be woken at this time in the morning. Heck! Some are probably still mad at me for leaving like I did and wouldn't want to talk to me at all!
       My Mum, Dad and sister are on the top of my list - even when I was on the plane they had been at the very top. I'd decided earlier that they didn't need to be told as soon as I landed - it can still wait till they're up and about. I'd actually decided that no-one need know I was back till later in the day... I look at my phone and shake my head. Why had I just called him like that? I chuck the phone on the bed and flop backwards, just as I had the day I moved in. I'd loved the fact I could lie sideways on it, and had actually spent a couple of nights with the pillows on the edge of the bed and laid with my toes dangling over the other side so I could watch the TV through the doorway while snuggled up in bed. That was before I got the sofa.

        The side of my bed still bears a resemblance to a jumble-sale that's been attacked by a hurricane. Notebooks, actual books, toys, games - is that a chocolate bar? - all sorts is still scattered around here. I hadn't bothered to tidy it before leaving, because no one could see this side from the doorway. My upside down head spots an old teddy bear that I'd thought had gotten lost on route to Daniels parents house and I grab at him with such relief that I nearly cry. After a little more searching around my hands drift to my other best friend. I hadn't seen or heard from this friend since I left.
    "I'm so sorry I left you behind." I whisper to the old acoustic guitar, lifting it gently up onto my lap. It's like rediscovering myself.
         At first I only stroke a hand up and down the neck, trying to remember... Then a chord or two come stuttering from it. Re tuned, they sound better. It's as if tuning her has erased all the time and my fingers are soon caressing the fretboard, coaxing her into singing to me.

      I'm just starting to sing along with her when there's a knock at the door. I run to it, forgetting to put the guitar down. The door is open in seconds and there he is. The guy who helped me discover myself so many years ago - before Daniel came along. For a moment we just stand there, staring at each other, looking at the changes. Then we're in each others arms, the guitar whacking into the door frame, us, the door itself, the floor; and we laugh.

"I see I'm not the only one you missed!" he laughs, not quite letting go

"What are you talking about?" I ask, still giggling "I hit you square in the back!" this as an apology.

       I rest the guitar down against the wall and, closing the door behind us, we retreat to the sofa, still marveling in the delight of seeing each other again. It's written in his face every time he looks at me - 'It's you! It's really you!' - and I'm pretty sure my eyes are saying the exact same thing back.
      I offer to make him a drink, but neither of us knows what I have to offer. Probably only water. He promises that water will be fine, and I run to fetch him some. Fumbling with the sticky light switch in the kitchen (that'll need looking at) I realise I should probably drink something too. There's still glasses and plates on the draining board so I go to rinse a couple out. The sight of his spare key on my counter stops me though. My heart feels like it's been wrenched from its socket as I remember our heated goodbye, when he'd slapped the key down and slammed the door behind him as he left. I gulp.

    I'd been mad at him that week. I can't even remember why anymore. But we'd argued the night before I decided to leave. It was probably the reason I'd agreed to go with Daniel actually - just to spite Lee.
    I hesitate, then quickly rinse and re-fill two glasses with water.
Glass of water in one hand, spare key squished between my palm and a second glass in the other, I return to the so-called living room. It has a sofa in, and I'd even got a TV and games console set up in there - but really it's a glorified hallway. Four doors line its walls - bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and entrance.
      That doesn't matter though. Right now, all that matters is the angel sitting on my sofa. His tousled black hair a little longer than I remember, his chest more defined under the thin t-shirt and open jacket he'd thrown on to come over in. Part of me marvels in the fact he still lives so close by. That same handsome, open face smiles up at me. Same heart on his sleeve. Suddenly I wonder what he thinks when he looks at me. Am I more tanned? Thinner? Blonder? Taller? Uglier?

          That dazzling ecstatic show of teeth melts something inside me, forcing a huge smile out of me in return. Sitting on the sofa I place my glass on the floor and turn to hand him his, silently offering him the key at the same time. He looks at my open palm mutely, probably remembering, as I had, that last parting. A shadow passes across his face, and he looks up at me. There must be something there, because the look disappears and I feel the warmth of his fingers as he takes the cold, unused metal from my hand before relieving me of the water too. I collapse next to him with happy relief, and we start to talk. Mostly about people we knew, of what I've missed, of the goings on in Leicester... I don't want to talk about America, and either he realises this or doesn't want to know anything about it, because he doesn't ask.

      "Lilly..." he has his arm round me (when did that happen?) and we haven't spoken for a while. My head tilts up to look at his from the curve of his shoulder. He touches my cheek with his free hand as if still making sure I'm real. "What made you come back?"
          I haven't even thought about that yet. Fear? Familiarity? Longing? Hatred? Love? Homing instinct? But I don't think before answering.
"You." I say simply, trying to smile and trying to work out what I mean

He half laughs and shakes his head, and I snuggle up closer to him. It's been such a long day. I got up at 6am to start all the preparations for the wedding... so I've been up nearly 32 hours now. The sun is creeping behind the curtains, so it must be about 7am. The battery in my clock has died though, so I'm not really sure.
         Lee's arms tighten around me gently, his head resting on mine, and I manage to whisper "I missed you" before falling asleep in his arms; feeling safe and truly relaxed for the first time in far too long. I hadn't even noticed before that I didn't feel that way with Daniel.


~

Thursday, 18 November 2010

Lilly's Escape

Prologue : Jitters

     Do you ever just stop and think?
I mean, you could be walking down the street and a thought just hits you, and you just have to stop and think about it. Your feet just stick to the floor as your head whirs around this question that you can’t believe you over looked before, and before you can move on you have to answer it (or shove it somewhere deep so you can think about it later).
    They’re sometimes an amazing revelation; but sometimes you just want to stamp your feet and yell “God damn it!”

     Like right now for instance. Half way down the frigging isle and my feet are stuck to the floor. I mean, really, did I have to get the jitters right now? After a year planning this, half way through the bridal march, walking behind my nieces-to-be, looking at the back of Daniels head, treading on little petals – that’s when I get the revelation that I don’t know why the hell I’m here?
Can you say bad timing or what?
     What are you doing here Lilly? my mind whispers; and you know what? I just cannot answer that little voice, anymore than I can take another step towards that altar. 
The vicar looks questioningly at me, then smiles comfortingly, beckoning me forwards; but my feet take a faltering step backwards. Looking around the church I see his family with the same looks on their faces, I see our friends looking nervous.

     Half way down the isle and now I have 3 choices (well, two really, but…) I could take a deep breath and get on with this (not happening!), I could run out of that door and keep running until I’m away (sounds good to me), or I could go up there and apologise to everyone (the sensible, responsible thing to do).

One thing I’m sure of - I can’t get married here; not today, not to Daniel. 

      Closing my eyes for a moment I hear the organist fail and the gathered crowds begin to talk. Taking a deep breath, my feet move forwards and my eyes open to see a relieved Daniel looking over his shoulder. Damn, why did he have to look at me with those innocent eyes?
Reaching the front of the church, his eldest niece reaches for my bouquet of lilies. 

    I’d insisted on white lilies and baby’s breath for my bouquet; his mother had been devastated saying they were for funerals.
“I like them.” had been my steadfast reply as we continued with preparations. God knows how many times she tried to change my mind, telling me they were an omen of sorrow. I had brushed it off at the time, and now I’m glad they’re in my hands; the only part of this wedding that is entirely me.

Pausing, I hand the white flowers to my groom, taking a breath of relief. His confusion is sweet in a sad kind of way.
      “I can’t do this.” I tell him quietly; though I’m pretty sure the whole congregation can hear my every word. 
      “I’m so sorry Daniel. I just… “
His eyes search mine, trying to find the answer I can’t voice. If he thinks about it long enough, he’ll work it out. He’s a smart guy.

Sighing in defeat, I kiss him on the cheek one last time and walk away.




    Climbing out of the taxi outside the house we had been moving into for the past month, I half expect to see his car outside; but, of course, it isn’t. I cut across the lawn (something Daniel has always been so against), and let myself into the picture-book house that’s been in Daniels family for years. The hallway is so neat and I feel my head shaking as I wonder how on earth I’ve been putting up with this for so long. My reflection greets me as I turn and close the door. 
     Is that me? 
The pale eye shadow looks so strange on me, my blonde hair lighter than it used to be piled on top of my head, light pink lipstick still shimmering beside the porcelain foundation covering my skin. The silver cross around my neck is the strangest sight of all; well, other than the tacky diamond earrings and white bridal gown. 
     White? Eugh!  
Still, the cross bugs me most. I practically pull it off, dropping it on the table nearby; hurriedly I pull out the huge, garish earrings and sling them next to the necklace on the table. Looking at my reflection I smile a little. 
     Better; definitely better.



     Upstairs I struggle out of the white contraption that months before I had been assured was the most beautiful dress ever. The embroidered lace seems over the top now that I'm not in ‘Betty-Crocker-home-maker’ mode. Leaving it slung on the bed I chuck myself into the bathroom and wash my painted face. There's still a bobble on the sink that I'd been using to hold my hair back every morning while I applied the layers of make-up, a scrunchy that I used to love. It's on my wrist while I start digging in the closet.
      My oldest jewellery box, literally a cardboard box covered in denim, is still safely hidden away at the back. It has all the stuff I used to wear in it, all the stuff from before. I pause for a second in my rush to sniff at this box. Odd as that sounds, it smells like hope.

     Finaly, my beloved pentacle secured around my neck on a new bootlace, a t-shirt and jeans (that I had stashed in the wardrobe) over my white bridal shoes, and my keys to the apartment I had yet to completely empty in my pocket, I sling the a fading rucksack over my shoulder. It has all my other treasures jumbled in it - a diary, my jewlery, a favourite book... All the things I brought with me that have survived these few years. I head out to hitch another ride.
         Hesitating on the threshold, I step back in and scribble a note to Daniel on the pad next to the phone. 


Daniel,                                                                                       
I'm sorry it took me so long to work all this out,
I'm going home.                         
Good Luck
     Lilly x                     



 Back in the autumn air I breathe a sigh of relief. 
       Freedom. 
I run a hand through my hair (still thick with curls and hairspray and pins that hurt. I'll sort it out soon enough) and smile.

              Time to go home.