Lilly's Escape

Chapter One: Home coming

     With what little money I still have after the plane ticket I order a taxi back to the little ground floor flat I'd continued to rent (with the intention of using it as storage until we had enough space for all my 'old junk'). The flight home had felt like it had taken forever, but then I'd had to wait for about four hours at the airport before boarding - so maybe that had something to do with it. Pulling up outside my old flat gives me a mixed feeling of regret and longing. The private street entrance to my own flat seems like the grandest entrance to a palace.

       How did I ever leave you?  I think sadly to the poor residence.

    The taxi driver, so British, doesn't look at his little counter. Hasn't even turned it on.
"Call it thirty quid darlin'."
No need to tip anymore, not back home in dreary Leicester, but I do it anyway out of gratefulness to be home.

        I'd left here in a hurry - straight out of University - and it still screams 'STUDENT' as I walk in. Guitar lent against the threadbare sofa, books (mostly notebooks actually) piled everywhere. The bedroom (neater than it ever had been back when I lived here) spills clothes, gadgets, more notebooks and instruments from practically ever direction. A small heap of 'maybe' clothes still neatly folded on the bed where I'd abandoned them. The noticeboard brimming with old notes, concert tickets, photos... my throat clogging with tears as I catch sight of those happy faces.

       Three years. Three long years away from all the people who had made my life. Three years away from those smiling faces, those loving notes, that carefree existence. How am I supposed to start again now? How do I ask for forgiveness?
      They probably don't even remember you.... a sad part of my mind whispers.
I remember them though. There hadn't been a day go past I didn't think about them. God, how I missed them all!

     But I'd thought I was in love. I'd thought I was doing the right thing...
My lonely bag gets chucked on the bed and I tentatively reach for my best friends picture. We'd talked on and off over the years... but Daniel hadn't liked me talking to him... so I hadn't while he was around. Guilty pleasures, snatched in moments of privacy - How had it come to that?

     My phone's out and dialed before I've even thought about it. 5am... what sort of person would be up at 5am?

                Ring - ring,  Ring - ring,  Ring - ring, Ring - ring...

         Just when I'm about to loose my nerve and hang up there's a sudden silence. No dial tone, no answer machine...

"Hello?" I ask, half afraid of talking to no-one, half dreading a reply.

"Hello?" A groggy voice replies.

"Hey!!" I squeal, suddenly 21 years old again "It's me! I... omigosh! Where to start? Sorry, did I wake you?"

There's a yawn on the the other end, and I can almost see him rolling over in bed "Nope. S'ok, had to get up - phone was ringing." He still sounds exhausted.
I giggle

"What's up?" He asks with another yawn "What time is it?"

"Lee..." I hesitate, then answer the second question instead "It's 5am"

"Your time or mine?" I hear him stretch

"Same diff."

This takes him a moment to understand, then -

"Wait! What?!"

I sit on the bed between my bag and the pile of clothes

"I'm back!" I say, able to hear the smile even in my own voice. Part of me wants to jump up and down... but I seem to have butterflies the size of over sized dinosaurs exploding in my stomach. I've not been this nervous since I first sat on the plane to America.

"But... when?" He's still not fully awake.

"Just got in the flat. Plane landed around 3 ish..." My hand starts idly playing with the uppermost top on the pile, it's little beads practically being pulled off.

"But I thought you were honeymooning somewhere nice?" He puts a rather ugly emphasis on the word that would normally make me cringe.

"Nope!" I reply brightly, then hesitate, unsure of what to say. "Wanna hear about the wedding?"

I hear him flop back in bed - he must have sat up - the unspoken 'At 5am? N...o...' makes me bite my lip. Maybe this was the wrong way to do it...

"Sure." he sighs, sounding defeated.

"Well, it was beautiful. Really really beautiful! Daniel wore this lovely suit with a baby blue tie that matched the ribbon around my bouquet as well as the bridesmaids dresses. His three sisters were the bridesmaids - did I tell you? - And then... oh!" I turn the 'oh' into a sigh of content and let my voice get all dreamy "The music started up, and Jessica spread flower petals in front of me, and everyone stood up and turned to look - except Daniel of course, you know how superstitious he is - and I felt so amazing Lee, I can't tell you! It was like seeing the big picture - the whole universe... it was so amazing..." I sigh again and pause
 "Then I ran like hell." The smile and content is real this time.

The line takes a minute to sink in - either that or he wasn't paying attention... maybe he fell asleep.

"What...?" comes the reply finally. He sounds like a kid who's just been told he can have exactly what he's asked for - unsure, excited and in total awe.

"Yup!" I smile, practically pulling a blue bead off my top "Got in the first taxi I saw and went to his. Got changed, packed some stuff and hopped on the first flight home."

There's a huge pause his end.

"You're really back?" he asks finally.

           Like I'd be joking about this...
"Yes."

"And you're not married to Mr. Asshole?" He's starting to sound more awake now.

"Nope."

Another pause.

"Give me ten minutes." he says.

"Okay." I feel the smile broaden on my lips and manage, at last, to leave the top alone "And, Lee?"

"Yeah?"

"Sorry it took so long."


        After hanging up I consider who else to ring with the news...

No one.

     The other friends in my photo's wouldn't want to be woken at this time in the morning. Heck! Some are probably still mad at me for leaving like I did and wouldn't want to talk to me at all!
       My Mum, Dad and sister are on the top of my list - even when I was on the plane they had been at the very top. I'd decided earlier that they didn't need to be told as soon as I landed - it can still wait till they're up and about. I'd actually decided that no-one need know I was back till later in the day... I look at my phone and shake my head. Why had I just called him like that? I chuck the phone on the bed and flop backwards, just as I had the day I moved in. I'd loved the fact I could lie sideways on it, and had actually spent a couple of nights with the pillows on the edge of the bed and laid with my toes dangling over the other side so I could watch the TV through the doorway while snuggled up in bed. That was before I got the sofa.

        The side of my bed still bears a resemblance to a jumble-sale that's been attacked by a hurricane. Notebooks, actual books, toys, games - is that a chocolate bar? - all sorts is still scattered around here. I hadn't bothered to tidy it before leaving, because no one could see this side from the doorway. My upside down head spots an old teddy bear that I'd thought had gotten lost on route to Daniels parents house and I grab at him with such relief that I nearly cry. After a little more searching around my hands drift to my other best friend. I hadn't seen or heard from this friend since I left.
    "I'm so sorry I left you behind." I whisper to the old acoustic guitar, lifting it gently up onto my lap. It's like rediscovering myself.
         At first I only stroke a hand up and down the neck, trying to remember... Then a chord or two come stuttering from it. Re tuned, they sound better. It's as if tuning her has erased all the time and my fingers are soon caressing the fretboard, coaxing her into singing to me.

      I'm just starting to sing along with her when there's a knock at the door. I run to it, forgetting to put the guitar down. The door is open in seconds and there he is. The guy who helped me discover myself so many years ago - before Daniel came along. For a moment we just stand there, staring at each other, looking at the changes. Then we're in each others arms, the guitar whacking into the door frame, us, the door itself, the floor; and we laugh.

"I see I'm not the only one you missed!" he laughs, not quite letting go

"What are you talking about?" I ask, still giggling "I hit you square in the back!" this as an apology.

       I rest the guitar down against the wall and, closing the door behind us, we retreat to the sofa, still marveling in the delight of seeing each other again. It's written in his face every time he looks at me - 'It's you! It's really you!' - and I'm pretty sure my eyes are saying the exact same thing back.
      I offer to make him a drink, but neither of us knows what I have to offer. Probably only water. He promises that water will be fine, and I run to fetch him some. Fumbling with the sticky light switch in the kitchen (that'll need looking at) I realise I should probably drink something too. There's still glasses and plates on the draining board so I go to rinse a couple out. The sight of his spare key on my counter stops me though. My heart feels like it's been wrenched from its socket as I remember our heated goodbye, when he'd slapped the key down and slammed the door behind him as he left. I gulp.

    I'd been mad at him that week. I can't even remember why anymore. But we'd argued the night before I decided to leave. It was probably the reason I'd agreed to go with Daniel actually - just to spite Lee.
    I hesitate, then quickly rinse and re-fill two glasses with water.
Glass of water in one hand, spare key squished between my palm and a second glass in the other, I return to the so-called living room. It has a sofa in, and I'd even got a TV and games console set up in there - but really it's a glorified hallway. Four doors line its walls - bedroom, bathroom and kitchen and entrance.
      That doesn't matter though. Right now, all that matters is the angel sitting on my sofa. His tousled black hair a little longer than I remember, his chest more defined under the thin t-shirt and open jacket he'd thrown on to come over in. Part of me marvels in the fact he still lives so close by. That same handsome, open face smiles up at me. Same heart on his sleeve. Suddenly I wonder what he thinks when he looks at me. Am I more tanned? Thinner? Blonder? Taller? Uglier?

          That dazzling ecstatic show of teeth melts something inside me, forcing a huge smile out of me in return. Sitting on the sofa I place my glass on the floor and turn to hand him his, silently offering him the key at the same time. He looks at my open palm mutely, probably remembering, as I had, that last parting. A shadow passes across his face, and he looks up at me. There must be something there, because the look disappears and I feel the warmth of his fingers as he takes the cold, unused metal from my hand before relieving me of the water too. I collapse next to him with happy relief, and we start to talk. Mostly about people we knew, of what I've missed, of the goings on in Leicester... I don't want to talk about America, and either he realises this or doesn't want to know anything about it, because he doesn't ask.

      "Lilly..." he has his arm round me (when did that happen?) and we haven't spoken for a while. My head tilts up to look at his from the curve of his shoulder. He touches my cheek with his free hand as if still making sure I'm real. "What made you come back?"
          I haven't even thought about that yet. Fear? Familiarity? Longing? Hatred? Love? Homing instinct? But I don't think before answering.
"You." I say simply, trying to smile and trying to work out what I mean

He half laughs and shakes his head, and I snuggle up closer to him. It's been such a long day. I got up at 6am to start all the preparations for the wedding... so I've been up nearly 32 hours now. The sun is creeping behind the curtains, so it must be about 7am. The battery in my clock has died though, so I'm not really sure.
         Lee's arms tighten around me gently, his head resting on mine, and I manage to whisper "I missed you" before falling asleep in his arms; feeling safe and truly relaxed for the first time in far too long. I hadn't even noticed before that I didn't feel that way with Daniel.


~

Lilly's Escape

Prologue : Jitters

     Do you ever just stop and think?

I mean, you could be walking down the street and a thought just hits you, and you just have to stop and think about it. Your feet just stick to the floor as your head whirs around this question that you can’t believe you over looked before, and before you can move on you have to answer it (or shove it somewhere deep so you can think about it later).

    They’re sometimes an amazing revelation; but sometimes you just want to stamp your feet and yell “God damn it!”

     Like right now for instance. Half way down the frigging isle and my feet are stuck to the floor. I mean, really, did I have to get the jitters right now? After a year planning this, half way through the bridal march, walking behind my nieces-to-be, looking at the back of Daniels head, treading on little petals – that’s when I get the revelation that I don’t know why the hell I’m here?

Can you say bad timing or what?

     What are you doing here Lilly? my mind whispers; and you know what? I just cannot answer that little voice, anymore than I can take another step towards that altar. 

The vicar looks questioningly at me, then smiles comfortingly, beckoning me forwards; but my feet take a faltering step backwards. Looking around the church I see his family with the same looks on their faces, I see our friends looking nervous.

     Half way down the isle and now I have 3 choices (well, two really, but…) I could take a deep breath and get on with this (not happening!), I could run out of that door and keep running until I’m away (sounds good to me), or I could go up there and apologise to everyone (the sensible, responsible thing to do).

One thing I’m sure of - I can’t get married here; not today, not to Daniel. 

      Closing my eyes for a moment I hear the organist fail and the gathered crowds begin to talk. Taking a deep breath, my feet move forwards and my eyes open to see a relieved Daniel looking over his shoulder. Damn, why did he have to look at me with those innocent eyes?

Reaching the front of the church, his eldest niece reaches for my bouquet of lilies. 

    I’d insisted on white lilies and baby’s breath for my bouquet; his mother had been devastated saying they were for funerals.

“I like them.” had been my steadfast reply as we continued with preparations. God knows how many times she tried to change my mind, telling me they were an omen of sorrow. I had brushed it off at the time, and now I’m glad they’re in my hands; the only part of this wedding that is entirely me.

Pausing, I hand the white flowers to my groom, taking a breath of relief. His confusion is sweet in a sad kind of way.

      “I can’t do this.” I tell him quietly; though I’m pretty sure the whole congregation can hear my every word. 

      “I’m so sorry Daniel. I just… “

His eyes search mine, trying to find the answer I can’t voice. If he thinks about it long enough, he’ll work it out. He’s a smart guy.

Sighing in defeat, I kiss him on the cheek one last time and walk away.

    Climbing out of the taxi outside the house we had been moving into for the past month, I half expect to see his car outside; but, of course, it isn’t. I cut across the lawn (something Daniel has always been so against), and let myself into the picture-book house that’s been in Daniels family for years. The hallway is so neat and I feel my head shaking as I wonder how on earth I’ve been putting up with this for so long. My reflection greets me as I turn and close the door. 

     Is that me? 

The pale eye shadow looks so strange on me, my blonde hair lighter than it used to be piled on top of my head, light pink lipstick still shimmering beside the porcelain foundation covering my skin. The silver cross around my neck is the strangest sight of all; well, other than the tacky diamond earrings and white bridal gown. 

     White? Eugh!  

Still, the cross bugs me most. I practically pull it off, dropping it on the table nearby; hurriedly I pull out the huge, garish earrings and sling them next to the necklace on the table. Looking at my reflection I smile a little. 

     Better; definitely better.

     Upstairs I struggle out of the white contraption that months before I had been assured was the most beautiful dress ever. The embroidered lace seems over the top now that I'm not in ‘Betty-Crocker-home-maker’ mode. Leaving it slung on the bed I chuck myself into the bathroom and wash my painted face. There's still a bobble on the sink that I'd been using to hold my hair back every morning while I applied the layers of make-up, a scrunchy that I used to love. It's on my wrist while I start digging in the closet.

      My oldest jewellery box, literally a cardboard box covered in denim, is still safely hidden away at the back. It has all the stuff I used to wear in it, all the stuff from before. I pause for a second in my rush to sniff at this box. Odd as that sounds, it smells like hope.

     Finaly, my beloved pentacle secured around my neck on a new bootlace, a t-shirt and jeans (that I had stashed in the wardrobe) over my white bridal shoes, and my keys to the apartment I had yet to completely empty in my pocket, I sling the a fading rucksack over my shoulder. It has all my other treasures jumbled in it - a diary, my jewlery, a favourite book... All the things I brought with me that have survived these few years. I head out to hitch another ride.

         Hesitating on the threshold, I step back in and scribble a note to Daniel on the pad next to the phone. 

Daniel,                                                                                       

I'm sorry it took me so long to work all this out,

I'm going home.                         

Good Luck

     Lilly x                     

 Back in the autumn air I breathe a sigh of relief. 

       Freedom. 

I run a hand through my hair (still thick with curls and hairspray and pins that hurt. I'll sort it out soon enough) and smile.

              Time to go home.